Everything I’ve been doing has been simply for the sake of convincing myself that I matter, that I’m somehow special and different, inherently, not in the modern ’everyone is unique and special’ sense. But I’m not. I’m not smart enough to breeze through everything effortlessly like Will Hunting. I’m not a fictional character capable of inventing anything. I don’t have infinite will power at any given moment, and even if I was all of those, it probably still wouldn’t be enough. Not against the cold indifference of the abyss, who’s chilling presence is felt even by super heroes.

But i do have a fire inside me which is rare to find. A fire which forces me to find meaning in a world where there is none. I have a courage to stare into the abyss. To face it and myself. To tear everything down and start again and again and again.

I don’t need to be special to move forward. I don’t need to show to everyone that I’m special, cause I’m not.

I’m not inherently special. I’m gifted compared to the average person, sure, but there are those even more gifted than me. I’m not here to compete with them. I’m here to make the most of what I have. That is what we are all here to do. Not to surpass each other, but to surpass our lower selves. We may surpass those around us in that process, but we should see that as a side effect, an insignificant one, a distracting one in fact, as it is unimportant.

The need to compete and go at the top is a hopeless escapism from the abyss. It’s a hopeless attempt at forcing away the abyss through the sparkle of all of your medals and trophies. It won’t be enough. The universe is still cold and uncaring. You are still empty. Until your aim becomes to achieve the self which you’re truly capable of.

Maybe being the best in the world is a side effect of that, but it should never be the aim. It’s not a good strategy for achieving what truly matters. Being the best does not matter. It won’t fulfill you. It won’t make you feel any better, not in the ways that matter. It will not end the despair of the self.

What needs to be done now then? Read more Kierkegaard and Nietzsche and spend a lot of time reflecting I guess?

I still have a desire inside me to be seen for who I am, which is a totally different subject I’ll have to explore later, but for now it is why I will share this blog with you guys. Either to help someone in a similar position to me, or to simply expose my own journey and mind for others to see, maybe in some distant hope to be seen for who I am.

(btw, yes, I’m aware most of my posts have practically no real structure)